A polar bear will kill you, stone dead, without provocation. It does so because it is both a hyper carnivore and an apex predator. It does not recognize you as anything other than a potential food source.
You must remember there are only three things up in the Arctic: Ice, water, and potential calories. Guess which category people are in.
Without a fairly serious gun or chemical bear deterrent you are going to die. You are going to be eaten. This is both natural and inevitable.
Look mom! I killed a whale!
“I would run away!” you protest.
I understand. That is your fight or flight response correctly identifying you stand no chance of fighting a polar bear and therefore choosing to run. Depending on the distance at which the polar bear spots you I give you about 5 seconds before it chases you down and kills you with the casual ease with which you and I eat a cookie.
“I would hide behind a rock!”
You die behind that rock.
“I’d jump into a river!”
You die wet and cold.
“I’d stand my ground and yell at the bear to frighten it”
You die faster.
“I’d pray to god for help.”
Theists taste just like atheists.
If you are foolish enough to be wandering around the tundra without a weapon and you encounter a surly polar bear, then immediately follow these three steps:
- Get low to the ground, on your knees.
- Clasp your hands tightly in front of you.
- Pray for a quick death.
The polar bear is going to eat you. Even if it just dined on some poor seal, it’s not going to resist a squishy human for dessert.
Do not attempt to run; you’ll just heighten the bear’s predatory instincts and when he catches you, he’ll tear into you con gusto.
Plus, why fritter away the last seconds of your life exhausting yourself?
Do not try to shoo the bear off by shouting at it. Most polar bears are not fluent in human languages, and it is just as likely as not to translate your words as: “Come and detach my limbs from my body, you big beautiful creature.”
When the bear leaps on top of you, as it inevitably will, you do have one last hope of survival. Cup the bear’s head in your hands and stare intently into its eyes, telepathically explaining to it that violence is never the answer; that the world would be a much happier place if we learned to love one another regardless of our differences.
It just might work.
More likely, the bear will rip your face off.
Wow, it even ate your backpack.
You should shoot it with the rifle you always, always carry in polar bear territory.
If you’ve been reckless enough to venture out on the tundra unarmed, the good people of Svalbard recommended me this: remove your hat and gloves, or any easily removable articles of clothing. Throw them in the direction of the bear, and run the other way.
If you are really, really lucky, the bear is only curious, not hungry, and will stop and smell the new type of food that just wandered into its territory. It might lose interest if you’re far away when it’s done smelling.
If the polar bear is hungry, you’re lunch. There is nothing you can realistically do to fend off a polar bear. It’s the most dangerous of all bears; it’s both the biggest, and the one that’s least afraid of humans. Being cautious isn’t on the cards for a polar bear; everything is food to it.
